No bull..this is me

Ever feel like writing but dont know about what? Ever feel like there's a lot to do but there isn't? I guess I'm feeling restless.

I was thinking today about major life episodes. For the most part I have been a very happy person. Have had some wonderful and exciting adventures with family and friends. Ummm yea...that makes me human right? The funny (funny bizarre not funny ha ha...) part is that the happy times are not necessarily the times I would keep if I had to trade bits and pieces of my life. I am not saying that through sorrow one finds stregnth or anything as maudlin as life is pain. I'm saying that I have learned more and profited more from SOME of the painful times in the long run.

Ok...so I am done with heavy thoughts....I dont want to dwell.

I am going to go see my step mom on Sunday and we are going to make different soups. I dont know how to make soups well and she is good at it. So I am going to learn. And eat soup.

I am hoping that I will not be seeing my dad. This is due to the fact that me may be in Oregon visiting uncle Bill who is now home from his surgery. I would rather my Dad be visiting him than having soup with me.

Does everyone in the world get to go to Disneyland but me?

I have decided that I am in need of fun. I have been in serious mode for so long that I may have forgotten how to have fun....Could that be true??? Hummmm must test this theory by haveing fun immediatly. ;)

ok my dears...I have blathered on and on about nothing.....See yas on the flip side.

Its been bugging me for a while and I finally figured it out!!!!

After Divaearthmom commented about lunch with them it has been buggin me about something I left out of my last post. I also now realize that I hadnt appologized for the omission....that lunch truly was fun.

This is the story about how I almost never got to go on my trip in the first place. This is the passport saga.

All of you know that I didnt get my passport on time and I was SWEATING it big time. A week before I left I kept calling and calling and calling and it hadnt been mailed or even processed. So I kept the appointment in San Fran that I had to go get the darn thing as a back up.

Now it needs to be said that two weeks before I was to leave I made this appointment. I kept getting a recording about how I couldnt be connected to the system or somethign else was wrong. So it took two days for me to actually get the appointment.

THE FIRST AVALIABLE APPOINTMENT WAS FOR THE DAY BEFORE I LEFT!!!!!!

I was nervous but not scared. I had faith that the universe would take care of me. That I would in fact get to go.

I came home from work on that thursday and packed and over night bag. That was easy as I was almost all packed to begin with. I Drove to alameda to my friend Rachels house and crashed. figurativly....

It also needs to be said that I carefuly checked, double checked and tripple checked that I had all the things that I would need to give them at the passport office. I put them ALL in a nice new bag (purse) that I got from one of my students.

I grabbed all my stuff. NOTE: I used the word all. It was with me in the car I know it.

Friday morning I got ready. Rachel was about 10 minutes from being ready and I went out to to that car to make sure that I had everything and to make sure that Rachel had a garbage free place to sit.

This is when Jenn freaked out. Freaked out in a huge way.

The bag was not there. It was gone. Yea...the bag with my birth certificate, bank statement, a letter from my boss, and my travel itenerary had vanished. In one hour I was to give all this to some government worker who was going to give my my passport and let me freaking leave the country for a week.

All of a sudden I was a wreak. No government agent was going to overlook the rules for me. I was in DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP shit.

Well, I thought....all I can do is go and see what the hell I could do. I knew that all my paper wook was there in the building cause I was told this by no less that three people on the phone. I wouldnt have been hopeful if I had heard it less.

SO we arrive at the office and I checked in at 1045. I waited then talked to a very nice lady who said that all she needed to do was go look for the original application. Then I waited more. I was called to a different counter and talked to a different guy who said he was going to go look NOW for the original app. I waited some more. I went to ask some guy at a window for an update. Which I wouldnt have done except I knew that something was wrong. The passport office was almost EMPTY. He said oh....lemme go look. This was after he had checked the computer. I waited some more. Then I was flagged over by another person. SHE HAD MY ORIGINAL APLICATION AND EVERYTHING THEY NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!! I was given a reciept and was told to come back at 330 to pick up my passport. (it was 230 at this point)

Rachel and I went to get something to eat in the next building over and actually breath for a minute. Untill then we were very tense and wondering what would happen.

We went amd got in line at 300. The line was up the block and by the time the line actually started to move it had turned the corner. We waited. This time in the cold SF wind outdoors.

At 350 ( I noticed the clock as I walked out...I didnt intentionally check...) we walked away from the office to the parking garage with my passport in hand.

Did I mention that the office closes at 4? Yup...10 minutes to spare.

SO....that was how Jenn almost didnt get to go on her trip.

Oh....also....the big hold up on why it didnt get processed on time? Yea...there is only one "bamking center" for the ppta and somehow my check got held up there (for almost 5 weeks) and that was the hold up.

I think this falls in to the category of alls well that ends well. And in the category of...I'll laugh about this later.... and yup I did.

Footnote: The bag with all the info has not been seen or herd from since. So if you see it please metion that it is wanted at home. In addition...I never lost hope/ faith. Somehow I knwo I was going to be ok. Only when it was all over did it hit me that if I hadnt gotten this taken care of and had actually MIssed the trip that I could have been fired for waisting all this money the company had shelled out. Whew!

SO there is the saga.

random thoughts.....

This is of course not to jinx anything but I have lived with Angie for almost a year now and I can say that we havent had one real fight. I can say that there have been disagreements and a little tension over some minor things that have been discussed and have passed. This i am really enjoying. She got the new job and starts either next week or the week after. She will be part time for a little and will continue to work at the school untill she goes full time. This is making her happy and I can tell you this is always a good thing.

Next up...is it possible that work is getting better? Week of the young Child went swimmingly. We had a good time. It was a lot of work and very buisy but it was good. My boss has been full of compliments and is that makes me happy. Things with my coworker have been going VERY well.

See??? All this good stuff. I can hardly believe it.

My Dads wife called to check in on me and that is an ultra rare occurance. More of the good.

I am a very bad girl and havent called my grandmother in a very long time. I must remedy that.

I think I could really be falling for Joel. The more I talk to him the more I really want to talk to him. Why do I feel so damn silly in even saying that? I like feeling this way. I like that he really seems to get it when we talk. Ok...I am going to stop now before I get worse.

Julie needs a good car. We are going to get one for her on Sunday.

Katrina...Saturday then????? Later afternoon? Is that doable?

OK..love to you all,
Jenn

Hey. Its Wednesday. I can tell you that I am happy the week is almost over. I am feeling much better but not good in any respect. I am hoping that the good will come soon.

This week is week of the young child. We have had a lot of visitors this week and that has taken a lot out of me. I go home do my "chores" and go tot bed. But I can do that.

This morning I got a bit of a wake up call. I was informed that I have a week less than I thought I did before my trip. I am leaving in 2.5 weeks!!!! I have not recieved my passport in the mail yet. The ONLY thing that can screw me up is the federal government. I am not liking my odds. :( But I am supposed to call the PPT office if I dont have it by monday and then we will get things under controll. Monday will be 10 complete weeks since I applied and 2 weeks till the trip. Enough time for them to get their acts together. Also their web site tells me to call if I have allowed the time and to call if I have less than 2 weeks till the trip. So much to do.

Talk to you all later....
Jenn

Dudes...soooooo sick. WTF???? Wont go in to the gory details cause I dont want to gross you all out. Back on the antibiotics. They seem to be helping. Had a fever for 2 days. I was shivering unless I was in sweats and under a blanket. Feeling a little better today.

Man..I am glad I was asleep for about a day of this.

ok...this is all I can handle. Going to lie down.

loves to you all,
Jenn

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished,post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified)about what people remember about you.

Its Friday. I am glad its friday. I am very glad to have 2 days to relax.

Ya know what you do when you feel better all of a sudden??? You make yourself very buisy. I have been continuing to get my collective shit in order. I cleared out a buncha stuff I never wear from my dresser. I am going to do that with my closit next. I have organized my cds and dvds and am going to work on my books. Also I think I need to clean my car. I dont mean get junk out of it I mean like wipe it clean and vaccuume it out and stuff. I am SOOOO on a cleaning kick.

This weekend I am going to go to Modesto and visit with that crew. Angel is giving a dinner party. Then she is having a movie night. MY admirer is going to be there so I am gonna go see if its a possibility.

Things are going well...as soon as this headache goes away I am gonna be peachy wonderful.

So? Hows my LJ crew rollin'?

Love yas!
Jenn

Bon Jovi
"It's My Life"

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!


Jon called this his most self serving song. Heh...

Day 2 of feeling GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Not ok...or fine....but GOOOOOOOOOD. Have we turned a corner????? YES WE HAVE!!!!!

love and hugs,
Jenn

SO now you see me! HA! I figured out where in the blue hell my pics are on my computer so I could have a user pic. Next up...I steal from the net for more. I am slowly emerging from technical isolation. heee heee.

I havent written in a week. And what a week its been.

First off I must say that I have very renewed sense of irony. On tuesday we had a staff meeting that was called by the owners of the company I work for. At this meeting it was announced that our company has been bought by another company. The company that bought us is called Knowledge Universse. KNowledge Universe owns leapfrog, Chapman College and....wait for it........Kinder Care. I swore on all I hold sacred that I would NEVER work for a company like Childrens world or kindercare because of their philosophy and the fact that they do not in fact acknowledge leading research and use it in thier program development.

I swear in the moment this news came down I heard Katrina ask me...so hows the job? Things still going well or are you in it for the trip? I am still happy at the job. I am not just in it for the trip. The details of the "merger" go like this. Kinder care and its affiliates are owned by the same parent company as us butwe actually have nothing to do with them. CCLC (my school) is now a "brand name" for the corperate division of the company. I will still have the same bosses up the line as always and we will not be changing our philosophy at all as the KU muckity mucks asked the owners NOT to and to please help with 120 other schools. 70 of the 120 were apparently accepted as CCLC schools. This tripples the amount of CCLC schools. We will only handle corperate accounts. (like intel, google, universal studios, lego....)

So, I work for a huge multinational conglomerate that cans curriculum and feeds it as pablem to the young and unsuspecting. Only I dont really. Interesting huh?

The best part is we all got a bonus at the end of the meeting. Money in the bank for my trip. And not just pennies...

There was a birthday dinner lastnight for one of my coworkers. Noone really likes this girl. but we all turned out for her. She has been making efforts to become a less annoying person. Meh...a dinner wil my coworkers not too bad at all.

The Roomie has an interview for a admin/leasing office job on monday at 1230. PLease put out good vibes. She needs out of child care.

My precious Julie called last night. We talked for a long time. She seems to be doing well. Happy I think. Thats a good thing

hummmmmm seems like I should be mentioning something else but for the life of me I cant think of it.

Have a good one!!!

Jenn

Well...I woke up feeling good..but tired. I have been having a hard time breathing on friday and I was still having a hard time. I thought about how lovely it would be to just lie there all day and do nothing. Then I remembered that I was going to see Katrina and the Family. Sigh...even better thought!!!!

I did a load of laundry and got my ass ready. Drove up and visited with them. It was fun. I got to see them for the first time in 3 months.

We did our planting and that was good. Then we went in and visited some more while we waited for the sweat lodge to get ready.

Now I need to say, I was in no way excited about this prospect before I went in to it. I was almost about to tell Katrina no when she first asked on the phone earlier. But, in truth I could not find one reason within myself why i shouldnt. So I decided that I would at least give it a try. I would be bold and take a chance.

I am so glad I did. It brought a lot of clarity to the events of the day and brought a culmination to the long dark hard season.

I know that people have been worried about me. I know that I have been quiet adn distant. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I have needed to go to my room and close the door, so to speak. Please do not think that I am at all upset with anyone or any situation. (other than my breathing and the condition of my lungs) Nothing is further than the truth. I am very much at this point taking things day by day and getting through each day as it coms. The good news is its gettign easier and easier. The bad news...its going to take a while longer. I am saying all this in part from conversations I have had with people and in part because during the sweat it came full force that many peole are worried and care and I have in fact not been cluing them in on things. All I can say in my defence is that, I am truly sick of talking about it. I get so frusterated that sometimes I get whiny and pouty and have to blow up. But for the most part I want to just shut up and not say anything. So, point of clarity number one, I need to take care of my friendships a little better.

The next item of clarity is that I am kinda dumb. In all the months of dealing with this I have never once turned to my magical family to ask their assistance in this. Yet here you all are...offering sweats, plantings and support. Damn but I do love you all. You sometimes know what i need before I do.

Now, the experiance of being in the lodge itself was wonderful. It was warm and stamy and was a great gateway to a meditative state. Best of all I COULD BREATH!!!!! I was nervous going in. That changed to excited as the rocks got brought in. I tell ya, the stam was thick and the sweat poured. It was great!!!!

The next moment of clarity was that this lung situation is in fact temporary. That This will be just a glitch in my life and all will be well in time.

Then the stone people stopped talking and I got to be reborn. Which is exactly what it felt like comming out of the lodge.

Ok...that was yesterday....today...I am doing laundry because apparently my pedicure things has been cancled. Oh and I really do need to do the rest of my laundry.

Love and hugs to you all!!!!
Jenn

1. Hi, my name is...
Jenn...if you dont know that, why are you here?

2. Never in my life have I....
Been to Paris.


3. The one person who can drive me nuts is...
My Father

4. High school...
I was a sassy goth chick.

5. When I'm nervous...
I tend to laugh.

6. The last time I cried was...
I dont remember. I think it was while I was typing a recent journal entry or something.

7. If I were to get married right now my best man would be...
A friend of my husband-to-be.

8. My hair is...
dirty blonde

9. When I was 5...
I hated the tomato plants my mom had because they had big ass worms that freaked me out.

10. Last Christmas...
I got a cool ass camera and got to spend time with almost all of the people that mean most. note the word ALMOST there....

11. I should be...
folding laundry and putting it away.

12. When I look down I see...
carpet

13. The happiest recent event was...
Just finding out I have an admirer....this is interesting.

14. If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be:
Phoebe, yea.

15. By this time next year...
I will be a more evolved person who is a year older.

16. My current gripe is...
I'm sick of being sick. This is fucking out of hand.

17. I have a hard time understanding...
Math that is more advanced. I just dont get WHY. Unless you are getting in to engenering or something.

18. There's this girl I know that...
Is moving to Ireland and taking her son with her.

19. You know I like you when...
I tease you. Or are Sarcastic with you.

20. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be...
Ermmmmm My Father. Followed by everyone else who was involved in helping me win the award.

21. Take my advice...
Dont drink too much of any thing when you are on diuretics...you pee for days.

22. Something that I really want to buy is...
A new big suitcase.

23. If you visited the place I was born...
I would reccomend not going to the neighborhood the hospital I was born is in.

24. I plan to visit...
Malasya. That was easy. But I really need to go see Disneyland again. I havent seen it in a long long time

25. If you spend the night at my house you'll...
be sleeping on the fouton in the living room. And I'll offer to make you breakfast in the morining.

26. I'd stop my wedding if...
Wow, ermmm sometimg drastic was happening that called for it??? Cant thingk of a specific right now.

27. The world could do without...
Mosquitos. Nasty ass creatures.

28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than...
Be killed?????

29. Most recent thing I've bought myself...
Lunch

30. Most recent thing someone else bought me...
A movie ticket....does that count??? I have to pay her back...

31. My favorite color is:
black

32. My favorite baseball team is...
One that does not interrupt my life in any fashion

33. My favorite redhead is...
ermmmm I dunno....I am not sure I know a red head...wait...David Caruso...I like him on CSI Miami.

34. My middle name is...
Dana, after my favoeite Auntie.

35. This morning I...
Was a little late. but I stopped to get my breakfast anyhow!

36. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are...
Monkey...I wanna flying monkey.

37. Once, at a bar...
I was pulled up on stage to sing with the singer of the band. When the song was over he french kissed me.

38. Last night I was...
In bed early cause I had been up too late the night before

39. There's this guy I know who...
Spends too much time on the computer looking for strange and silly stuff. But it pays off sometimes.

40. I don't know why...
I like raviolis so much. And Lasange.

41. The one thing I want in the next five years is...
Ummmmmmmmm to continue to evolve and improve

42. Tomorrow I am...
waking up and going to work for a tuesday.

43. Tonight I am...
going to go eat at Red Robin and then fold my clothes and put them away

44. My birthday is...
A celebration that I exist. I like existing.

45. What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was...
Someone to say Happy Valentines Day....it happened.

46. Last time I was scared was...
When I was driving home and my car was making a funny sound...turned out I was in the wrong gear....poor car. Bad me...

47. Everyday I use...
a cup to drink from

48. The closest thing I see to me that is blue is...
My shirt.

49. The last person I talked to...
was Angie...my roomie

50. Today for lunch I am having...
I had mongolian bbq. It was yummy.

Interesting things.

Admit to not knowing how to defrag your computer and asking how makes you an object of ridicule for those who take it for granted that EVERYONE knows how.

IMAX mivies are regular movies but REALLY SUPER SUPER BIG!!!!!!

Chris Rock on inside the actors studio helped me realize something. I love comedians for the most part. I find them facinating and just almost the highest form of art. AND NOW I KNOW WHY!!!!!! I find the amount of *accurate* observation, wit and intelligence just a combination

This is Forrest Whitaker:
The other night, I was walking down the stairs behind one of my daughters -- I have three, and one son, ages eight to sixteen. I was tired, and she was goofing around, you know, like kids do, doing all this stupid stuff on the stairs. And I was thinking, Please just go down the stairs and let's get you to bed. It's after your bedtime. I've had enough for one day. And then I sort of caught myself. I snapped out of it. I was like, Dude, you should be dancing down the stairs behind her!


This is Noel Young:
When I was six, I really didn't know what God was. But I did know about Sunday school. I was reading a lot about God, but I was bored. I couldn't wait to get out of Sunday school. God was secondary to the whole thing. But as time went by, I got more and more angry, to the point where I didn't like religion. Hate is a strong word. But I just kept getting angrier and angrier . . . until finally I wasn't angry anymore. I was just peaceful, because I thought: This is not fruitful for me. I rejected the whole thing and found peace in paganism. Jesus didn't go to church. I went way back before Jesus. Back to the forest, to the wheat fields, to the river, to the ocean. I go where the wind is. That's my church.

I like the first one a lot. I also that he was allowing his daughter to be a child and enjoy her voyage down the stairs. (Although...sometimes....JUST GET DOWM THE DAMN STAIRS!!!!!!!!!)

The Neil Young quote....well....It kind of mirrors my voyage. Sort of, I can definitly relate. I wasnt in sunday school. I was always preached athiest views.

Its noon and I think I am gonna have a nap.

Jenn

Wonderful what a good nights sleep can do for you.

That is pretty much it.

Jenn

I am dead tired. I worked 12 hours today. Very very exausted. so exausted I am wode awake. The 4 hours over time was well worth my while as I recieved over twice my salary for it. I got to sit one my arse for an hour watching a movie with the kids. But the 3 hours before that were very fast paced.

I also worked over time on monday for my boss who needed to go to tee ball for her son.

SO I have worked a very lot this week. I know I was going to so what have I done???? Scheduled a lot to do this weekend...am I crazy????? How did this happen??? Well...I want to go to this party my coworker is throwing for her 50th. I want go hang out with my friend who invited me to coffee. And I want to go see 300 in IMAX.

The Imax tickets are definitly bought so I am going. The rest....wellllllll this is why I said maybe (ie....if I have the energy I said) to the rest. Cause there are things I *have* to do. Such as laundry and that sort of thing. Pathetic that I have to say that about going to sit on my ass and have coffee. But truly...its the only fair thing to say.

I have seen 300. Here is my review: some cheezy parts. The costumes are pure eyecandy for women. I wanted to blow somethign up from adreniline after seeing it. Love the Sparta Queen....heh...yea.

so I go rest now....

Love you all,
Jenn

Apparently, if you've seen more than 75 of these, you are a movie geek. Post your grand total in the subject line.

( )Rocky Horror Picture Show (waaaaaay to many times)
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
( )Boondock Saints
(x) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
( )Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total = 7

(x) The Princess Bride (again.... waaaaay to many times)
(x) Young Frankenstien
( ) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(x) Napoleon Dynamite (once was enough)
( ) Saw
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates (oooohhh.... Drew Barrymore... ~drools~)
( ) Jason X
Total = 7
( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
(x) Harry Potter
Total = 4
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total = 7

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) Thirteen Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
Total = 5

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
Total = 7

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) the Terminal
( ) the Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
Total = 2

( ) The Ring 2
(x) Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x)Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
Total = 7

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Coach Carter
(x) Bad Boys
Total = 2

( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Se7en
(x) Oceans eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Identity
( ) Lone Star State Of Mind
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
( )Predator II
Total = 6

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
(x) Maid in manhattan
( ) Frailty
Total = 5

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
Total = 6

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
( ) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(x) Cruel Intentions
( )Hot Chick
Total = 5

( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
( ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
Total = 5

(x) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
Total = 7

( ) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(x) Sound of Music
(x) Parent Trap 1 (only the original with Haley Mills)
( ) Parent Trap 2
( ) The Burbs
(x) The Terminator
Total = 3

( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(x) Meet Joe Black
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
(x) The Silence of the Lambs
(x) Sleepy Hollow
( ) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
(x) The Virgin Suicides
Total = 5

( ) Amelie
( ) Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
( ) Snatch
( ) Swept Away
( ) The Pianist
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) 2001: A Space Odyssey
(x) Before Sunrise
(x) Before Sunset
( ) Girl
Total = 2

I am an amazing (and I do mean amazing) Witch. Last night I spent the almost last of my money on groceries and said,"This weekend someone needs to need me to baby sit." Trust me when I say, I get a lil worried when I have over a week to payday and very little cash on hand. Tonight one of the parents asked. They were very sheepish when they said they needed me tomorrow night. I said OK and deal done. Now I have a bit of play money comming. Boooyah. My will be done.

The next example of my taking things in to my own hads and getting good results. I Emailed the DR and told him all the stuff I was feeling and frusterated with. I got an email back. He reassured me that I was making progress and that I was experiancing a respritory infection and I needed to be on YET ANOTHER round of antibiotics. He said that (get ready) this is normal for people who are on prednisone to experiance a run of infections as the drug makes you much more suseptible to this sort of thing. He also said this should level off and I would not be like this the entire time. THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY FOR THAT!!!!!!!

Tonight on the way home I was thingking of self definitions. The lables we put on our selves. I was thinking of how invested in my career I am. how much of my slef I put in to my job and how close I am to defining my self by my job.

I am a teacher. I thought of how scary it would be to only be that. I am just a teacher. How horrifyingly limiting that last sentance is.

I came to a realization that I am not afraid of being limited by the lables I give myself because *I choose* them. I accept them. I am a TEACHER. I am a WOMAN. I am a WITCH. I am a FRIEND. I am many many thigs. (none of what I just wrote is in order of importance or even in the slightest thought about beyond teacher.)

Heres the hitch....Others have these lables to stick on people that either are inaccutate or put through their own filters and thus makes them so unrecognizable that I ask my self...Am I really a....? And for someone who is not terribly self secure and second gusses just about everything that shadow of a doubt can be deadly.

SO I say to my self this is what I am according to how *I* see it and I embrace all that I am. Ya know what???? I am an amazing witch. I am an amazing teacher. I am an amazing friend. Sometimes...I am an amazing failure at the things I try. I am many things.

I am many things. If I am many things, I have to allow that others have as many self definitions as I do and that they mean as much to them as my chosen defintions mean to me. This is the hard part. We all have lables we have trouble with. I personally think that if I was accuratly slapped with the lable of murderer I would be pretty ashamed of my slef. When people who are vegans say I am a murderer for eating the beef salami I had for lunch....This is where perspective gets damn interesting.

...this was all thought about in about 5 minutes while I waited for a light to change on the drive home from a staff meeting. The rest of the trip home I was basically pondering what an asshole the driver behind me was. Tailgating me the whole damn way I was on the freeway.

SO...how's this post for random?

I am feeling very drained. I have done absolutely nothing today but watch tv and veg. But I feel absolutely drained. Yesterday we cleaned the house and I did laundry. That did not take all day or require a lot if energy. But I was just exausted all day.

I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. I am tired of feeling like I need to be cared for. I am tired not having enough breath. I am tired of the SAME complaints. I am tired of telling the doctors my bodys symptoms and not having solutions.

I am sad that I felt good for about 2 weeks and then I was back to feeling crappy. I am frusterated that all my plans have to have the proviso "if I'm feeling up to it..."
It feels like such a damn excuse or cop out. like I am hinting that I dont really wanna spend time with anyone or do anything. That is a false perception.

I wanted to do lots of things this weekend....I ended up canceling the thinngs I had planned and doing nothing. Just cause I had to let my body rest. AS fucking usual.

OK...I am tired, frusterated and sad. I just want to be ME again. I am being whiny and that mskes it worse.....

GAHHHHHHH!!!!! I am gonna o curl up on my bed adn start again tomorrow....the sun has to bring a new begining. Whats more....I will have a better attitide. yea...now theres a plan. I will give my self tonight to feel this way and then move the fuck on.

I have learned that I am not an idiot when it comes to technology. I bought my iPod. I have sussessfully tought myself how eo download music to my computer and up load it to my iPod. ON MY OWN!!! No owners manual no nothing but my brain and the computer prompts.

I feel good knowing that I can do this. I was kinda afraid that I'd be a dunce at it.

In other news I have a roon confirmed for the trip in may. I will not be sleeping in the loby.:) tee hee. I leave on the 13th of may at 130 am. and I arrive home at 730pm on the 19th. Its going to be a quick trip but hey...a trip of a life time.

Other than that and that I am still coughing up my lungs everything is the same. Nothing else to report.

Serioulsy...how are all of you?

J

Hummmm Well....at the risk of boring people I want to get all this out so that I have a clear time line in my head about this whole thing. So you know now ...this is about medical stuff and is only indended to get make me clear on the times and dates ans such of the effects and proceedures that have gone on. So...read it or dont.

Late september october: breathing issues coughing out of controll.

October notice at Samhain cant do shit due to not getting enough o2.

November see drs and have all kinds of tests and xrays done. tests come back normal xrays come back bad.

December have the bhronchoscopy done. Diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. 30th is when I start taking the prednisone.

January feel great for about 2 weeks. Catch cold and see the dr on the 31st. Slight improvement but not much at all. This is after 4 weeks of being on the prednisone and 1/2 a week of a lower dose than original.

February cold starts to clear up get the flu. Flu clears up get an infection of the what ever glands that knock me for a loop. On antibiotics that seem to be working on the glands but not the hacking up chunks that has not gone away from the cold. Coughing so hard and often that I pulled muscles. Noticing that my breathing is not as good as it was earlier in January.

Questions: knowing that the prednisone makes on more suseptable to infection is this why I have been sick for the month? Is there truly nothing else I can be doing to help aliviate all the issues? Why is my body manifesting the infections and other illnesses so quickly and not in the patterns my body has had in the last 37 years.